Interview with an Alcoholic #7

Question: 

What I am trying to wrap my mind around is the euphoric connection your mind made with alcohol and drugs and how that can be compared to a hug from God. I am trying to imagine anything on this earth that could be compared to a God hug. All I can come up with is something like holding each of my children immediately after they are born or...I don't know what. So I have only experienced that 3 times in my life and it was short lived. You experienced that every time you used.
I guess I can understand the draw to the drugs and alcohol if it gave you that feeling most or every time. But even with that elated feeling, something had to tell you that it was still wrong, otherwise you wouldn't have stopped. I can't imagine having the ability to attain that euphoria at will and not abusing its control.

Your statement about alcohol demanding 100% of your life is very powerful. It must have been all consuming and such an impossible boulder to move. You also said that you had to make the switch to God who now fills you with the same feelings that your addiction once did. That's what I am trying to understand. That tiny spark that occurred in your life, at some particular moment, something clicked in your mind whether you were conscious of it or not, something made you change and walk toward your present life. That's what I am trying to understand.

Answer:

Dan, I was able to obtain that feeling every time. The bad thing was, at the beginning, before I was put on the Phenobarbital, I did feel like it was wrong. But after I started taking the Phenobarbital it was how I coped with life. It allowed me to not feel. It allowed me to feel comfortable in my own skin. It wasn't until after my third DWI that it suddenly stopped working for me. That was a very dangerous place. I would use but couldn't get that feeling and I couldn't stop using. I was truly powerless. I often tell others this is a bad place to be and that they don't want to be here long. If I realize that I'm truly powerless over drugs and alcohol, then I need power. Most people that get to this point may sober up for a little while, but it is usually short lived and they go back to hopeless oblivion. It is at this point, if a person is blessed, that they can receive the gift of desperation. It really is a moment of clarity in which the alcoholic or addict says to himself, “I can’t live this way anymore.” It is followed up with enough desperation that they are willing to do anything to get sober, even if it’s for a short time. This is when you want to get them into a treatment center as soon as possible.

Pressing On with Excellence,

Keith

Interview with an Alcoholic #6

QUESTIONS:

What an incredible history. Usually most folks can handle one of those events every few years. But you had so much garbage dumped on you all at once, at such a young age, that it is not surprising you ended up an addict. It was just too much for one mind to process. After reading that I then think, "Well, duh! Of course there was depression. Who wouldn't have been depressed or suffered from any other mental illness!"
It sounds like alcoholism is in your bloodline. When you got sober, what kind of support system did you have in place?

ANSWER:

When I first got sober it was only going to be until I got out of trouble. I had full intentions of going back. It was out of the desperation and fear that I would go to jail for a year and a half, that I made a decision that whatever it took I was going to do it. Whatever anyone tells me to do to get sober, I’m going to do. The treatment center that I went into saved my life. It sobered me up and pointed me to AA. The denial that I went through that first month was so thick that I kept telling myself that I had a problem with alcohol, but I don't have a problem with drugs, Then I would remember that I did stop drinking but I couldn't stop smoking pot. So I would tell myself I had a problem with drugs but not alcohol, back and forth.

I am a big advocate of treatment centers. I thought that probation was keeping me sober to begin with. What I didn't know was that God was intervening in my life. See, I rode fear into drug and alcoholism and God was using it, "fear," to bring me out. The fear of going to jail gave me the willingness to take action.
Going into treatment, moving out of where I lived, going to AA meetings, listening to and doing what people told me to do, were all actions that I had been unwilling to do before. DESPERATION can be a wonderful thing. It gave me the motivation I needed to do whatever it took to change.

Pressing on with Excellence,

Keith

Interview with an Alcoholic #5

QUESTION: Would it be fair to assume that you also suffered from depression during this period of time? Some of the symptoms that are peppered in your response meet the criteria for depression. (DISCLAIMER: Although I am not authorized to diagnose any mental illness.)


ANSWER: If when you say depression you mean high anxiety you are right on target. By the time I was 10 to 12 years old I had stomach ulcers. I would literally vomit on Sunday nights just thinking about going to school Monday mornings. My mother took me to the doctor to see what was wrong with me. He put me on a mixture of donnabelum and phenabarbitol; One to soothe the stomach the other to soothe the mind. Because of my age, all this did was to teach me to deal with my feelings by using drugs. Chemical induced peace. Now I have a question how did I get to that point? Let me give you a little back ground. I suppose this will not be too uncommon to a lot of alcoholics and addicts. My Dad was a hard working farmer. My Mom was the child of an alcoholic. My mom's dad died when I was six years old. By the time he died, I had smoked my first cigarette with him and drank my first beer or at least had some sips of beer with him. I had also been exposed to porn that was hanging on the wall of his garage. After he died, and before I went to the doctor with my mom, somewhere during that time I also was molested by a guy that was around eight years older than I. These things, though I mention them nonchalantly, I believe had a profound effect on me. Also during that time my grandma on the other side of my family died a slow death of cancer. I was very close to her. These things all happened around the same time that I was learning to deal with my feelings and I wasn't very good at it. I also struggled with my weight and had a lot of low self esteem problems. So when I found alcohol and drugs, then I didn't have to feel these emotions.

Pressing on with Excellence,
Keith